Life Through My Lens

Just Once a Year

2011-09-01T23:06:00.002-05:00

When I've talked with anybody today about how my birthday went, I can't really describe it. It started on Tuesday and hasn't stopped. I had a friend make me an incredible cake and decorate HER house. How, cool? I had another friend take me on a surprise visit downtown Kansas City to view the Nelson. It was so awesome, and she fed me the best picnic I've ever had: a BLT with probably a pound of bacon! and a whole batch of peanut butter cookies. ha. It's so cool to see how much your friends really know you... kind of surprised me. Got to work a full 8 hours at work today, a cupcake specially delivered from another good friends. The most impactful gift came from the most beautiful greeting from my Heavenly Father. I had a sunrise in the east and a rainbow in the southwest this morning. They only lasted 20 minutes or so. I drove to work and looked off to the east as much as I could without being hazardous. I was almost moved to tears as I soaked in the tranquil beauty of it. It spoke to me, great love, words that I cannot even write. I listened to Trinity College's rendition of "Hymn to the Eternal Flame" (Thanks to Matt Nielsen) as I drove and stared at the beautiful rays reaching up in the sky, chasing away the night's darkness... It was very allegorical, very moving.

I came home to streamers and balloons. I spent the evening with my family out to eat a great restaurant; we were completely ridiculous together.

Mom made an angel food cake for me. Absolute favorite.

I am filled with great joy, overwhelmed with the love of my family and friends. There are so many well wishes and greetings that were so special, so thoughtful. I wish I could name each of them right now. Thank you everyone. Birthday's are for feeling special, unique, important, loved. That has happened today.

Oh Frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

2011-08-03T23:00:00.001-05:00

Morgan and Bryanna Rainey

Winter Quarters Temple | Omaha, NE

I love this one... They are looking into the stain glass of the celestial room. It is a depiction of the Tree of Life.

Opening the Aperture a Little More

2011-07-14T15:18:00.002-05:00

[Journal entry dated July 14, 2011]

I had a wonderful talk with [my brother] Ben last night into the early hours of the morning. We discussed much of the character of God and how we can more fully exercise faith in Him. We talked about the ability that we are given to view people in a "more-than-now" type of sense. There is this spiritual and mental capacity that is gifted from God to see people in an eternal context. The mind opens up and lets the past as well as the future start to paint our view of others. It paints a clearer picture.

We also talked about how the desire for sin decreases as our spiritual aperture opens up and our lens widens. When we can see ourselves and life in a greater plain and more eternally, the thought of sin seems ridiculous, for we realize our divine destiny and potential--who we really ARE. The path to get there becomes much more clear. When we act out of emotion or because of the present circumstance only, we are viewing life, ourselves, and others out of focus, with less light and perspective.

Mosiah 1:5-7 helps to show us how we can remember that eternal perspective, widen our lens, and let in more light. If we keep the His words constantly before our eyes, we are reminded of our divine potential. So, not only physically before us, but also figuratively before us. Our thoughts should begin to assume the role of scripture. In other words, we should begin to view life through the words of Christ. As we do, we will understand what we are to do everyday.

I'm grateful for the Truth that has been restored through Joseph Smith. The fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ that he primitively established on earth has been restored once again and allows us all to see life through the lens of God, of our loving Father in Heaven. We can learn to see as He and our Savior sees, which is the only true, clear, and correct vision.

[As pointed out by a reader, there are some technical inaccuracies in my analogy that I'll fix later when I have the chance. So, don't use this analogy as a source of accurate information regarding photography fundamentals. I'm definitely new to this field.]

Lytro

2011-06-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, I can't go to sleep... to much anxiety about my exam. So, I decided to clear my mind by looking into a new camera that is projected to come out sometime this year: Lytro's Light Field. It's intriguing. You just point and shoot. It's sensors pick up the intensity and all other sorts of information about the light coming in. Afterward, you can take the picture and focus it however you want to.. If you want to focus on something in the background or foreground, you just select that area on the picture and you've got an entirely different picture.
My opinion? I don't have a ton of experience in photography to merit any weighty opinion, but sometimes I sure wish I had that option with some of the pictures I've taken. I'm just wondering if a point-and-shoot camera can really produce the same quality that SLRs put out? The most fun in shooting is picking what to focus on and creating the composition that way. The Light Field seems like it will take big chunk of the art of out photography. I don't imagine it will be used by professional photographers.
Would I buy one? Depends on how expensive it is. They say it will be competitive with other point and shoots cameras. That must be somewhere between $200 and 300? It wouldn't be my first choice of camera. I'd rather buy a new lens for an SLR. Who knows... maybe this camera will be as revolutionary as they say.

Check it out for yourself.

Interview with Lytro rep: http://www.pcworld.com/article/231245/eight_questions_about_lytros_lightfield_camera.html

Lytro's interactive website (you can play with the pictures on their website to see how it will work)
http://www.lytro.com/

Rainey Engagements

2011-06-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Awesome couple... awesome, awesome. Gonna miss having these two around. They were great guinea pigs for me.

No more glass!

2011-05-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

So, have you ever had a piece of glass embedded in your heel? I have... for the past month or so. Big deal? No, not really. Annoying? yeah. With a little coaxing from my friend Lauren, I made an appointment with the doctor, and it's out. So, I'm writing this for a couple of reasons I guess. I have no posts for May, and I think for me this experience has been a little parable about the atonement. Let me explain...

Things happen in life. We make mistakes, or someone does something to us, and it's hard to let go. We try to deal with it, maybe hope that it will ease itself out over time and we'll be rid of it if we just try to forget about it and move on. Can you remember how good it feels to keep stepping on it every day, and driving it back in? In my experienced (and not just with this little nothing piece of glass), I've tried to just move on and not use the Lord to help me heal. Fact: that doesn't work. That continues to be a lesson for me. So, what does using the Lord's help really mean? For me, it's following his commandments and exercising faith in him unto repentance. If I've got some sort of unforgiving grudge against someone, I've got to repent, forgive, and let it go. If I've let Him down and disobeyed his commandments, I need to ask for forgiveness and do all I can to make it right and change.
Though it might seem hard, he promises the priceless gift of peace. He promises light. He promises a return to progression, which otherwise is not possible. The atonement of Jesus Christ truly is a miracle. It is real. I don't know how to explain it, but I know it's real. And I am soo grateful.

Desire

2011-04-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

To me this past General Conference was like a New Year's. I feel like it's given me a renewed hope and desire to change. I hope you all were able to watch it. I listened to one talk especially that I felt was specifically prepared for me to hear. Isn't that phrase so cliche? It's absolutely true, and Elder Holland affirmed this "phenomenon."

Elder Oaks spoke on desire. This one thing is the source of great change and power to do so. I'm not sure it's an incredibly easy thing to obtain and takes some serious pondering, reflecting, and influence from the Holy Ghost. Most of all, as he stated, it takes labor and faith.

"The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming."

- Elder Dallin H. Oaks

To be honest, I've completely disregarded my goals for awhile now. Everything went downhill when I came down with the flu. I just haven't been able to recover. This past week, I realized how inspired my goals were. I just came to a realization of how not working on them has allowed selfishness and idleness to slip back into my life (a nasty duo!). The consequences are quite obvious and definitely not contenting. So, how in the heck do I get back to where I was? It takes a deeply rooted desire, one day at a time, I guess. So, this has caused me to reflect a bit on what my original desire was and if it was deeply rooted. I think that it was, and it was rooted in Truth. So, I had the desire part of the equation; now I just need to put in the labor and exercise the faith. I was pleased last night. It was 11:00 and I picked up my laptop to blog to you guys. Instead, I decided "No, I can do that in the morning." I put it down and just went to sleep, and here I am. That to me was a triumph and a step back onto the path of attaining my goals.

I've got great friends. You care about me, and want to see me succeed, and that means so much. Thank you. I hope you, too, have great desires inside. I hope they are rooted in Truth, rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. "...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe..." (Alma 32:27) And as it works in us, it will grow and we will see the Truth blossom into great joy.
I mean those words so much.

Desire, my friends.

Head Above Water

2011-03-15T13:59:00.000-05:00

Hey. Wow, it's been way too long.
I have not been focusing on my goals. although, as I look back on it, I'm doing all right when it comes to getting up, serving, and cleaning my room once a week. I've slacked off big time on making my bed every day. That usually happens when I clean my room once a week.

Right now, I'm taking a study break to write. In three weeks I'll take my first section of the CPA exams. I'm so ready for that. Studying has been great. I really like what I've learned. I know more about Taxes and Accounting Regulation than I ever knew. It's pretty cool, guys.

I'm trying to keep my goals alive in my mind, but I do have to admit, that I've put them on the back burner. My schedule seems so erratic, but I know that I can get back on track, if I really want to. The primary motivation to keep on this is really to prove to myself that I can change, that I can overcome the natural man (Mosiah 3:19). If I can do this and really change, I think it will give me confidence in a lot of other aspects of my life, especially in attaining those distant goals that I have in mind.

Well, back to studying.

Fall... Get Back Up Again? No Queda otro

2011-02-21T08:01:00.002-06:00

You ever had the flu before? I hope not, but if you have I'm sure you'll be able to understand why I haven't written for the past while. Man, I got hit hard. I was out from a Wednesday night until Sunday morning (two weeks ago). And when I mean, out, I mean not functional. It was good to catch up on some sleep, I guess? So, I got behind on a lot of my studying, which made me feel a bit stressed. That Sunday that I was recovered, I was called as the Elders Quorum President here in the branch, which by the way is quite exciting and intimidating. So, I've just been playing catch up ever since, and have been a bit reluctant to write on my blog. I haven't even kept track of my goals. I've been trying here and there, but haven't felt much drive to stay on top of my goals. Then, I got a friendly inquiry from my dear friend Erin (check out her blog) of how my goals were going, "... you haven't updated your blog in awhile." So, here I am.

Thoughts have gone through my head, "Is all this really what I want? Are these goals really necessary? Get back up again?" I've concluded, "No queda otro," which in Spanish translates to there's no other way. These goals that I've set for myself aren't just off the fly, capricious fancies. They are based on eternal behaviors of happiness, and not doing them, for me, is not really an option if I am to keep progressing. The whole idea of making a goal and sticking with it is important in and of itself--self discipline, accomplishment, progression, etc.

So, thanks to good friends and the nudges of the Spirit, I am back at it. Had a good workout this morning. Having a test later on today that I still haven't studied for is also a bit motivating to get up early. Guys, if you've set goals for yourself, keep going. It's hard. I figured that I would hit times like this. Make yourself accountable to somebody. And those of you that are "accounting," keep on your friends. It means a ton.

Week 5: Bombed!

2011-02-08T08:00:00.005-06:00

Week 5 was a bomb. There was one day this week that I completely just blew my goals off. I think I was just tired of trying to wake up early, so I didn't feel like going to sleep on time because it wouldn't have mattered. It came the weekend, and I totally forgot to clean my room. I still tried to serve others and think outside of myself. I kept that going, but kind of bombed on the other stuff. This week is going to be much better. I don't have time to be giving up like that. Thanks for keeping me on top of things. I've got great friends that are helping me keep on my goals; to you I am every thankful. Good friends.

I've been reading the Old Testament for the first time, the whole way through. I sure love it. I've been reading about the children of Israel in the desert. They were kind of disobedient, and the Lord didn't put up with it. The more and more I read the scriptures, the more I start to understand the nature of God and truly how much it is exemplified in the paternal love that is shown by my own father (and my mother for that matter). Sometimes God can be pretty "harsh" with his children on earth--He commanded that they be killed if they disobeyed the Sabbath day. At first that seemed pretty harsh to me. The more and more I've been pondering about his dealings with the children of Israel, the more I've realized his plan. He was preparing a people to live in the promised land. He had to establish a pure and worthy base of followers to establish the purity of his law. He did the same with the early pioneers. He brought them through the western wilderness. Many perished because of their faith. Many decided not to go because of a lack of faith. It was through asking them to sacrifice to live his laws that he built a firm based on which to establish his kingdom once again. And when I think about death in the grand scheme of things--it's hardly a punishment. Death and how we day really doesn't affect our salvation, only hastens it.

I love the scriptures. I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost that teaches me about God and his love for all of his children. He really wants us to be obedient to him so we can be happy. He is merciful... very merciful. I have felt that in my life.

Jesus Christ

2011-02-03T10:55:00.002-06:00

Taken from www.mormontemples.com

I know He lives! His power to save, to heal, to direct and change is real. It is the strongest and only eternal power to purge the darkness and fill with light.

Jesus, the very thought of thee
With sweetness fills my breast;
But sweeter far thy face to see
And in thy presence rest.

Nor voice can sing nor heart can frame
Nor can thy mem'ry find
A sweeter sound than thy blest name,
O Savior of mankind

I feel so blessed to have a knowledge of Jesus Christ and his atonement for me... and so blessed and humbled to know that he loves a sinner like me.

My Alma Mater

2011-02-01T16:13:00.000-06:00

Spirit of the Y from BYU HD Video on Vimeo.

Goals: Week 4

2011-01-30T13:27:00.001-06:00

Well, here is the update for the month of January. I'm still hanging in there! I was talking with a friend this week and just realized how much this getting up early changes pretty much everything. Apparently that is when your body functions the best; you do your best thinking.

I still have a problem with going back to bed later in the morning. I know it's because I allow myself to think that I can--I'm not being disciplined. Any suggestions on how to get up and stay up? I read my scriptures right away usually and sometimes practice the piano to keep my mind awake and "firing," but I usually end up telling myself that I'm sleepy, and then I'm gone! Any ideas would be great, friends.

The mind is powerful. What choose to let stay in our minds eventually ends up becoming our actions, indeed. I've just noticed that so much more this week with this struggle to stay awake in the mornings. Also, the law of agency, this ability to choose, also does not allow us to escape the consequences of our actions. There were some evenings where I had a hard time falling asleep by 10:30. As a result the next day I was more tired from waking up early. There is really nothing I can do to escape those consequences no matter how much I will it in my mind. So, yeah, I definitely believe in this idea of thought transforming into action, but there is the caveat of the consequence of our choices.

I had some time to kill yesterday, so I go to take some pictures down in Kansas City near UMKC. I only had my point and shoot, but I still got some good stuff. PS: if you're going to Frank A. Theis Park (just south of the Nelson Atkins Museum), you gotta watch you're step this time of year. Apparently geese love this area; they eat a lot, and you can probably guess where I'm going. Wow... it was like a minefield. So, just a warning.

The sun was setting, so there were some beautiful scenes to look at. There wasn't anything impressive until I started heading north. Along the bridge along I-35 there was an incredible view. I was tempted to stop in the middle of the interstate and get out to take a picture. Then, as the sun started disappearing behind the horizon, the sky started turning purple along with some vibrant oranges and deep blues. I tried to look at it as much as I could and still drive. I wanted to burn the image in my mind. It was spectacular. I needed a shoulder to pull of on. Hopefully I'll have that image after the resurrection.

Goals, CPA, and Love

2011-01-24T14:49:00.000-06:00

I think the title will make more sense. They really are all unrelated.

Week three went a lot better! Because I have you all to write to each week, I was more motivated to work on things. I gave myself an overall score of 90%. I'm going to work hard for 100% this week. One thing that I'm trying to realize while doing this are my motivations. I think one of the main motivating factors is my accountability to my blog. I'm not sure how much of that really is driving why I'm doing this. And if it is driving it, is that Okay? Maybe that's good as a kick-start to forming a good habit? Either way, I feel a lot better about myself and the things that I'm getting accomplished.

I started studying for the 1st of 4 CPA examinations today. I am planning on taking my first text on April 1. There are 7 lectures. I'll cover one per week and then give myself a couple of weeks for review. The lecture sessions each week last about 4 hours, and then the rest of the week I spend studying the material. I'll have to say that sitting and listening to a DVD today for 4 hours straight was a bit taxing. I felt like a zombie afterwards. I better get used to this. This will be life for the next 7 months. :)

I've been trying to understand the concept of love lately and what it means. Reading in Tolstoy's War and Peace, I found a great perspective of what friendship is and how love should be viewed in it.

"We don't love people so much for the good they have done us, as for the good we have done them."

I think that up until just recently, I have viewed my relationships with everyone in the view of the first part of this quote. I have loved them because of what they have done for me. Truly, the things others do are quite endearing, and bring us closer together. But, I think I'm starting to realize that the second part of this is exactly right and the truer definition of love. Love is a choice rather than a feeling. I think I've heard that before, but never really believed it. I'm starting to believe it.

Week 2

2011-01-16T12:13:00.001-06:00

Friends,

Week 2 has come and gone. Above I have a visual of how things week. Not as good as week 1, eh? On Monday and Tuesday I came down with a flu, so we can see how I decided to let that affect my goals. Yeah, I decided to sleep in. Also, in that "Up by 6:30" number, I rated myself lower, because even though I would get up at 6:30, I still went back to sleep an hour or so later. So, technically I got up, but I defeated the purpose of getting up early by going back to sleep.

They say that it is important that our goals are measurable. I feel like my goals can be completely measured on an "all-or-nothing" scale, but that takes too much time to record that everyday. So, I've decided to give myself a rating on my total effort each week in doing these things. That way I can factor in my intent and also other little "untechnicalities" such as going back to bed or doing a half-hearted service for someone.

I have definitely seen the enthusiasm for doing these things drop (is that a surprise?), but hopefully as I report to you all each week, I'll be a bit more motivated to get those color bands thicker. I haven't had much temptation with staying out too late on the week days, so that's been easy. I have started to feel my old habits wanting to creep back in when I think about or not about making my bed and cleaning my room, or just hiding out and not thinking about anybody. When those thoughts and feelings arise, I have had the distinct declaration come to my mind "You have a choice." That statement is powerful. It puts emotions and feelings in their proper place: as subjects rather than king. It is our agency that has its rightful position upon the throne of our souls, not these fickle emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I have noticed that I do let them rule quite often = not good.

Additionally, these goals are bleeding into other parts of my life. I find myself more disciplined when it comes to brushing and flossing my teeth, wearing my retainer, taking my contacts out at night, reading my scriptures, praying, etc. I'm finding that I want to do them more completely and not just to check them off. That fact makes me happy because it's actually fulfilling my primary purposes of these goals--which are definitely not to impress any of you. :)

Thank you for your support, friends. It means a lot.

Goals: Week 1

2011-01-10T10:52:00.001-06:00

Guys, things went so well this past week. My first day of waking up early was incredible. My dad helped to push me to stay awake the rest of the day. I go so much done before noon. It was amazing. I got my bed made, my room cleaned, did an hour of workout at the gym, read my scriptures (which is so much more awesome in the morning), read some War and Peace, practiced the piano a bit.. It was hard to stay awake; I realized how the struggle was more mental than physical. I prayed earlier that day for some help in staying awake. I know the Lord helped me, and he showed me the blessings of doing things his way.

Later on Wednesday I ended up crashing in the morning. I tried to stay up, but I didn't have anything pushing me to stay awake. At least I woke up early, right? I'll get there.

I haven't seen the morning stars in a long time. That first Monday, I rode to the gym with my parents at 5:30 and just stared up at the stars for a long time. They were beautiful, and arranged in different patterns that I haven't seen in a long time. :) Also, a great blessing of waking up early on Friday was being able to see the sunrise (above picture). My dad called me on his way to work and told me to check it out. I was so grateful to have seen it!

I feel the Lord and his presence in the morning. Night time, when I am alone, seems timeless. Morning time, when I am alone seems magical and energizing. I think and go about my activities with anticipation and excitement, with vigor. They are very similar feelings in the way of peace and time, but the morning is has this forward motion about it and building anticipation (as it should, right?).

So, I guess going to bed by 10:30 on Fridays and Saturdays isn't feasible, right? I had a friend help convince me of that. Thanks, Erin. But the goal stands for Sunday through Thursday. And I'll let myself sleep in on Saturdays until 8:00am

Serving has been very fun this week. It's great to start the day and think, "Ooh! I wonder what I can do for somebody today." The creative juices start flowing. I also found that sometimes I didn't have anything planned and an opportunity arose--taking advantage of it was more of an excitement than an obligation. I'm starting to realize that serving at least once a day is a bit too easy, but I'm going to try and stay consistent with my original goal.

The bed got made every day this week. One day it didn't happen until 4:00 in the afternoon, but I got it made. The room DID get cleaned. That's going to be a challenge, though. I can feel it starting to annoy me. It's just nice to be able to be in my own room, to feel the spirit of order and be able to read my scriptures, pray, think, etc., without being distracted by an unmade bed while I kneel on a pile of laundry or something!

If you notice I'm not writing about my goals, please kick me in the pants or something. I'm going to stay accountable to you all. I want to do this. What a feeling it is to prove to yourself that you can change, that you can be different. It's great to be the masters of our bodies and minds. I Thank the Lord for giving me reason and hope for change. I'm grateful for his little pushes as I ask him for help with my goals. He loves me.

I hope you all are doing something different this year that you didn't do last year. I hope we can change together. Let's help each other!

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-04T08:21:00.001-06:00

So, I've decided to keep a record of my New Year's resolutions. Every year I make them, and I'm not sure that I've ever gone through with any of them. The fact that I can't remember any of them probably means I never did. So, here's a chance for me to do it for real, and I'm going to take you all along for the journey; keep me accountable.

So, I made my goals simple and small, but that are going to have a big impact on my lifestyle.
1) Start wearing a mo hawk.
2) Start watching The Office so I know what in the heck people are talking about
Wait, scratch those.
Let's start again.

1) Get up by 6:30 every day
2) Go to bed by 10:30 every day
You know, I'm not sure how these first two goals are going to work on Friday nights and Saturday mornings? Any suggestions of what to do there?
3) Make my bed everyday
4) Keep my room clean weekly
5) Serve someone daily
6) Blog about these goals every week << This is the most critical of them all

I feel like a missionary or a high schooler. Shouldn't I have figured out how to do these things by now?
All of these relate to a couple attributes that I feel are lacking in my life that are going to help me come to know the Savior better. I feel like I need more discipline and self-denial. To me it seems like it has been to easy to just go with the flow of life and not really check myself. If I'm tired, I should just sleep in. If I want to stay up, then by golly, I'm going to spend some time with 2am and 3am this morning--stuff like that. I don't want to clean my room or make my bed for that matter, so I'll just study somewhere else. Oh, and it's all about me today, I'm tired of thinking about everyone else. How about that attitude!? Well, I guess I thought that was the right attitude, and I've painfully realized that it hasn't really helped. In fact, it's contributed to some very unproductive days, a bit of unhappiness, and a drastic halt in progression at times = not good.

This realization that I just described above is something beautiful. It is the illustration of truth and an immensely important reason why I need the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. All of us have desires in our hearts. I think deep down we want to be happy in life. All of us have personal ways of obtaining that deep desire to be happy. We've got our own methods. We, human beings taught by other human beings taught by other human beings, etc., try to come up with eternal principles of happiness on our own sometimes. I thought that if I just gave in to what my body wanted, that it would make me happy. Maybe for a little bit, but over time I started to realize that I was getting less done and ultimately feeling less and less fulfilled = not good.
Truth discovery 1: " retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated." -D&C 88:124
No matter how much I wanted to sleep in, I could never achieve the promise of body and mind being invigorated without the fulfillment of the condition: retire early; arise early.

This truth came about through a revelation given through Joseph Smith the prophet. I'm sure there have been studies done to prove this, but the truth was revealed first. This truth along with countless others have blessed my life with peace, happiness, and joy - all of the deepest desires of my heart.

So, join me on this journey as I discover that these truths of discipline, order, and service are indeed eternal methods of happiness. I think deep down I know they are true, it's just believing that doing them more often than not doing them will make me happier. This will take some faith.

Thank God for a New Year. Thank God for repentance and the chance to start anew; Thank God for the atonement and sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ who makes New Year's resolutions actually possible. Yes, only because of Him are these resolutions of mine possible. I love him.

A little more real...

2010-12-28T00:26:00.001-06:00

My faithful readers, whoever you are. Haha.
I've looked back on my blog posts and realized that I'm kind of an intense person. Okay, maybe not intense, but very serious. I write about a lot of serious feelings and thoughts. Just so you know, I'm a dork. I have a lot of petty feelings, a lot of just normal things that I experience, that are probably worth writing about, but I just choose not to. Maybe because I don't want you to know the real me, and only want you to see the best part about me. Who am I trying to impress? Well, if I was trying to impress someone, my blog wouldn't be the place to do it, because I have zero traffic (No, I'm not trying to get any sympathy on my blog traffic, haha. But if it works, then great! Tell your friends. I've got lots of great things I've written about).

Christmas break is awesome.

I just finished a 1000 piece puzzle with my parents. They are addicting, aren't they? If you don't understand what I'm talking about, go buy yourself a big puzzle and start working on it for an hour or so, you'll see what I mean.
Mom and I have enjoyed no school, so we try to watch at least a couple of Robin Hood (BBC) shows a day. I'm really lovin' the series. I dare you to watch them and not like them. I was a skeptic at first, now converted.
I'm trying to get into a nonfiction writeup of Abraham Lincoln's presidency. It's great getting to know him and understand more of our country's development from that time period. All the while, I'm dreaming of reading Tolstoy's War and Peace. I just need to quit this Lincoln stuff and go where my heart wants to go. Tolstoy is calling... calling...
I started my application process for my CPA exams today. Hopefully I'll take my first one after I graduate and then finish up the rest of them this summer. It's all a bit intimidating. Really.

I am so content. I stay at home, do my thing. I have a lot of time to think. I look out my window and see the bare trees. It's kind of drab. I remember the days when the sun woke up a bit earlier and got me up. The trees were green. It was great to go sit outside on the front porch and just soak it in. It was just me. I feel like I can't get enough time alone. Maybe I need a week to just get away from everything and think, to ponder, to pray, to reconnect. I want to reconnect with myself and with God. I want to know him better. I want to know me better.
"What goals do you have for the new year?"
I don't know. Sure, I want to graduate, I want to pass the CPA exams, learn Beethoven's Sonata Quasi una Fantasia "Moonlite" Op 27 (yada yada), I want to move out on my own and be completely independent from the padres. Those are good goals. But those are lifetime goals; not eternal. They matter, but not really, ya know? How much of myself, do I know? What other parts do I want to know? How can I do that? Do I know the Savior, really? Do I trust him? Do I have faith in him and his gospel? Who are other people that I need to know? I bet there are some people out there that I am going to meet that will change my life. I would like that... I would like that a lot.
Who can I love more? Who needs my love? Who needs a caring heart... a sensitive ear?

How was that at a shot of being a bit more real? That's maybe a bit more personal than you were expecting, but that's me.

Thanks.

His Birth

2010-12-25T01:07:00.001-06:00

Luke 2 has a beautiful passage about the Savior's birth. I love the declaration that the angel made to the Shepherds about his birth--"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour,which is Christ the Lord." As I read it, I tried to imagine their reaction before I continued reading. It made me ponder about the significance of the event. These shepherds had so much faith. They believed the angel. They believed that the baby, the small infant lying in a manger, was their Savior. They believed that he could perform the most incredible work ever in the history of the world. I'm not sure that I would have been humble enough to believe the angel, and then to go and seek the child to offer him worship.

What did this message mean for them? I really don't know. What would it have meant for me? If this were to be the first time hearing about a Savior, would I have comprehended it all? No. But, I think I would have gained a hope in his promised power.

Sometimes there are temptations in life that are too much for me to bare. Sometimes there are situations that I have no clue what to do, and I don't believe that anyone else knows either. A lot of times I've felt alone in my problems, alone in my trials, alone in my faith... like nobody understood what I saw, how I felt. As a simple, carnal, human being, how are we supposed to deal with those things? Go to sleep, maybe I'll forget about my trials. Maybe if I go work out, they'll go away. Maybe if I just give in the struggle will go away everything.

I've tried lots of things. They are all temporary fixes. That's sad. That means life is just something to endure, to try to forget about, to try to put up with, to give control up to.

This feeling is darkness. This feeling is sad. This feeling is hopelessness. In these times, I have had nowhere to turn, but to my faith in a Being I have never seen. In those moments of hope and faith, I have found relief. I have found peace. I have found strength, courage, a solution, patience... many unique answers and bits of guidance to make it through. These have shed light in the darkness, when I had given up.

This light is made possible only through the Savior, who started out as an infant--completely mortally dependent on two faithful parents. He grew to be our Savior as he realized his mission on earth and suffered for my sins, my afflictions, my darkness, my loneliness, my carelessness, my weakness.

God be praised. Glory to God on high. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know he was born to save us and that he continues to fulfill his foreordained mission as Savior of the world, for me on a daily basis as I let him. How wonderful it is to see the world in celebration and remembrance of his life, the gift of the Father to us his beloved children! Today is when we recognize the birth of Jesus.

This is joy.

He is the reason.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

2010-12-19T22:41:00.001-06:00

Today I was able to sing in church with a good friend of mine. We did a duet arrangement of O Come, O Come Emmanuel. The words are stirring. I have always loved the melody, but have never really let the words touch my soul, if I can say it like that, only because I never gave them the opportunity.

As we sang, though, I began to feel the view of heaven rest upon me. As I looked out into the congregation, I could feel the words being spoken to individuals. I was singing to individuals that deal with a lot in their lives, and that seek healing, comfort, and peace in their lives. I felt that God granted me sight into their hearts. And more than anyone, I felt a greater hope rest within my heart because of the Savior.

This picture is of a figurine we have in our living room as part of a hand-carved nativity set. I love the set. I had played around with the camera taking pictures of these figurines and have grown to like this one the most. I guess I would like to reverence the Savior like this man is depicted. I would like to approach him more on bended knee, looking to him with greater hope. He holds something special in his hands--an offering, a gift. I cannot see the Savior to give him a gift. If I were to give him something, what would it be? This thought crossed my mind earlier in the month. It has been a personal tradition of mine after Thanksgiving to think of a gift that I can give the Savior. This year I felt a strong feeling to offer a broken, repentant heart, and a contrite spirit. More than anything, this is what I wanted to give to Him this year. It's not easy, and it has taken a lot of courage, focus, and faith, but I feel a change starting within me... a deeper conversion trying to occur. I hope it can!

This piece, O Come O Come Emmanuel, has expressed some of these feelings for me. It expresses the hope I have in the atonement of the Savior. In difficult times, in painful times, in frustrating times, he has been there. I don't know how it worked, but I knew he was there and that he was teaching me, consoling me, buoying me up, etc. I love him. He is a dear, dear friend of mine. I hope I can make an acceptable offering, gift to my friend this Christmas season.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Merry Christmas! Let us celebrate the birth... the birth of our Savior!

Closing up the Year

2010-12-15T15:51:00.001-06:00

Heading to a meeting for school, I had to fill up on some gas. All I noticed was that it was cold outside really. I wasn't looking forward to spending my Friday evening at school. I decided to bring my camera along with me that evening just in case there was a good moment to catch. As I was filling up, I looked behind me and saw this beautiful scene right in front of me. I took out my little point-and-shoot and caught the moment.

So, now I'm in the midst of my finals. I've got two more left to finish. The semester has flown. I've had such an incredible learning experience this semester. I feel like the Lord has opened my mind as I have studied and allowed me to understand the things I'm studying more fully and take them more seriously. I also feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to educate myself and to understand a bit of the world more completely. I guess, instead of feeling weighed down by the pressures of the closing semester, I can look around and see the reason for it all...

I hope that as I finish up the year that maybe I can not just run through the motions of it all, but take a step back and look at the view, express my gratitude for all the Lord has blessed me with. I think that each day the Lord tries to remind me in some way of all of the blessings that I've been given, even when I can't readily seem them. Viewing this sunset when I wasn't even looking for it was one of those experiences. It was marvelous to just sit back for a couple of minutes and soak in the beauty. It wasn't just another sunset to me. It was a unique moment--a gift--from God; and expression of his love for me... and a reminder to not forget about how much he has blessed me with (even those stressful things in life).

Jesus Christ: Savior of Mankind

2010-12-14T23:00:00.000-06:00

Click to view:

Look to the Light

Along with these individuals, I can say resolutely that I know that Jesus Christ lives. He is the Prince of Peace.
When the world has turned upside down, and all seems dark, He is the one that turns it right side up. He searches us out when we are lost in the depths of our darkest caves; only He with the light and the knowledge of the way out. He has saved me. He has given me peace when I never thought I could have it.

As real as I can be, He lives. He is there and responds to our lost, searching heart. He is the Savior to everyone on this earth. I feel fortunate to know this.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

2010-12-01T23:45:00.000-06:00

I LOVE good novels. I'm having a hard time deciding if For Whom the Bell Tolls is one of them. I finished it the other night and felt so excited, but it seemed like I had to wade through a lot of sewage to get there.

I appreciated so much Hemmingway's historical knowledge and integration of language. It was so funny to read the English dialog that was playfully colored by Spanish grammar and cognates. I learned so new words I never wanted to learn in Spanish, but that was my own fault, I guess.

The book was completely dialog with a simple plot. Hemmingway has a masterful way of expressing the inner mind and its workings, and it's incoherency at times, yet powerful sway.

The development of the title itselt was genius. I felt like I didn't understand it in it's entirety until the very last page, and then it kind of all clicked.

Truly, mankind is a continent, as John Donne wrote it, and not an island in and of himself. What happens to one happens to us all. Is that not an eternal law? And it's amazing how what we send out to others usually returns the same back to us. A smile begets a smile in many instances, kindness for kindness... when received without misperception or distortion, but in its purest intended form.

We truly all are interconnected. This is illustrated best in loving relationships that we share. As we see our loved ones suffer, do we not suffer? Why, then, do we not suffer when others we do not know suffer? Is it not because we do not love them like we should?

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is

a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a

Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse,

as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor

of they friends or of thine owne were; any mans

death diminishes me, because I am in-

volved in Mankinde; And therefore

never send to know for

whom the bells tolls; It

tolls for thee.

John Donne

Such a profound truth

Was it worth the gray? Was the beautiful, hidden, golden yellow amidst the lifeless, and drab things worth the journey through it all?

The Heavens are Open... Once Again

2009-12-14T20:41:00.000-06:00

Preach My Gospel is absolutely amazing! I sat down to read in the 3rd chapter about the first lesson that missionaries give. It's been a long time since I have opened PMG up. I felt like reading about Joseph Smith. I really felt like I was guided to read about that, because I feel like I have a completely new perspective on his First Vision.

- 1820 -
This 14-year old boy was truly marvelous for his age, but not too different than other 14-year-old boys his age either. He was curious and inquisitive. He was an avid reader of the Bible and searcher of truth. This is actually what I feel like we all do almost on a daily basis. We really want to know the truth about things, no matter how small they seem. Joseph's specific case was wanting to know which religion taught the true doctrine of Jesus Christ. If you've ever had a doubt or concern about things, what do you usually do? I think Joseph did the same. He went to his parents and family, he went to friends, and those with great wisdom and authority. He learned all he could about the different churches so he could make a decision for himself.

It was hard, though. Because everyone told him what they thought was right and how things really were. They believed that they knew. His parents were supportive, as was his family, in helping him discover out the truth. Thank goodness for that influence. Many tried to persuade him, though. Have you ever experienced that before? All of the sudden everyone took advantage of this inquiring mind and tried to fill it with their beliefs. In all reality, the confusion was so great and was further augmented by Joseph's lack of experience and knowledge. How could he know. Flip a coin? Go with the "smartest" individual's plan? It was a decision he did not want to take lightly, and really wanted to know for himself.

He finally found where to turn after reading in the Bible: "If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God; that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him."

He did that. He prayed with his whole heart, and asked for guidance. He asked to know which church was true. He received a marvelous vision--a vision of Jesus Christ and our Father in heaven. In all of their glory, they appeared to this young boy and told him the truth: None of the churches were true.

The heavens were opened again. Truth was bestowed. Man could know for himself the direct will of God for him--God's own child. I am so grateful for this. I know that God reveals himself to us in our mind and heart through the Holy Ghost. When there is confusion, and we don't know what path is right... when all seems dark, hopeless, and just a guessing game... we can know what is right. Our Father sees eternity and knows how we fit into his plan. We can ask him, and he will tell us.

Peace, comfort, joy, confidence, meekness... These are signs that the spirit is speaking to us and guiding us. They are feelings that cannot be counterfeited by anyone else, especially the adversary, Satan.

I know our Heavenly Father loves us and teaches us his will for us. I have felt that. It just requires faith and trust in him and his infinite love and knowledge.

De Experiencias Extremas Sale la Profundidad

2009-08-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

Belleza
Me rodeaba
A mi lado
y de arriba

Luz de vós
Y del cielo
Iluminando la senda
y el alma mía

Vós al lado mío
Bajo un lienzo divino
Pintado con luz
Luz quieta y viva

Paz, confianza, y gozo
Mentes libres
Corazones iluminados
Por belleza, por luz

El bosque asciende
Obstruye los rayos
Todo está oscuro
Mentes captivados
Temor, incertidumbre, oscuridad

Palabras y corazón
Buscan el cielo
Piden luz
Piden refugio

Luz del hombre
ilumina la senda
El alma se turbe
Busca la fe

Melodías divinas
Traen la luz
Luz de arriba
Llena el alma

Encubre la mente
Paz, confianza, gozo
Fe, esperanza
Me acerco a vós

Más cerca que nunca
Me aferro a vós
La senda está oscura
Pero iluminada a la vez

Te tirás por adelante
Te agarro y te abrazo
Miro los cielos
"Ten misericordia"

Sale la profundidad
Sentimientos jamás sentidos
Semillas brotadas
De lo extremo

Gozo extremo
Temor extremo
Paz extremo
Soledad extremo

Sí, temor de adentro
Pero fuerza a mi lado
Fuerza sacada solo por lo extremo
Fe otorgada sólo por creer

A little bit of Payson Goodness

2009-08-28T18:17:00.000-05:00

Had a couple of awesome excursions up to Payson Lakes. Well, let's be honest, we tried three times, but the first time was a failure because we forgot that it costeded money. For all of your adventurous folk out there that want to go experience the Lakes at Payson: $7 per day. $5 is not enough. They do take checks. They'll tell you who to make the check out to. Just some advice from your friendly accountant.

Here to the left I think is a picture of Mt. Nebo (Ne-Bizzle as Matt and I call it). Pretty majestic don't you think? A little different from our Timp friend, and taller.

Thursday is probably one of the best days to go... or at least any day that's not Friday, Saturday, and especially not Sunday (for various reasons). In short, the NOT-Weekend.

You can visit the second lake if you like mud. I'd suggest bringing floaties of some sort so you don't have to wade through the mud... but at the same time it's pretty fun. The third lake is by far the best. I think it's the deepest and largest. When Matt and I were up there this past Thursday, we had the lake to ourselves except for a couple of fisherpeople. We took some inner tubes (Matt calls them drifters) and floated out in the middle of lake. Besides the occasional bubble skirting your leg, it was pretty peaceful I think the best part was just being able to leave everything else behind and not think about life, responsibilities, commitments, etc. We chatted about life, about politics, saw some ducks and other sea creatures (starfish, whales, etc.).

We met the "custodian" I guess you could call him of Payson Lakes. He is a really good man. As we talked to him, you could tell how much the place meant to him. He said, "I've got the best job in the world." He turned to the lake with his hands out and said, "Look what I get to come to everyday. It's incredible" (or something like that). He took his shovel and went off to clean up. He takes great care of it. I didn't see any trash as we walked around the place... and I'm rambling.

And now for some Spanish poetry about the lakes:
[coming soon...]

Different Choir, Same Experience

2009-08-07T00:50:00.001-05:00

Tonight's concert was great. Good music, a great audience, great friends... This term has been very interesting to be in summer chorale. I absolutely loved the experience. I think what is amazing is to see the power of music come alive with different people and under different conductors. Each has their own view of music and how it ought to be communicated.

Dr. Broomhead's direction this term was quite inspirational. His style of teaching really helped us to feel comfortable and got us to internalize habits that are good for any singer to make a beautiful sound.

Sure, it was different than I was used and probably prefer, but the result was really moving. After finishing "Let Their Celestial Concerts All Unite" tonight, I felt a great sense of awe. The music really started setting into my soul and the intended feeling of that peace began to make more sense as we were all sounding praises to God.

Truly, music is a miracle. The voice is a miracle. Those who have paved the way to great music are inspired of God. That is becoming more and more evident to me. As one of my favorite songs expresses: "Words alone are vain and vacant..." I feel music to be an essential part of life.

Una Vista Nueva

2009-08-05T01:25:00.000-05:00

Una vista nueva
Al principio me agarra la atención
Linda
Simple
Pura
No molestada

Empiezo en el camino
Camino
Una vista nueva

Que me interesa
Sigo caminando
Medito y luego anhelo otra
¿Hay más?
Camino y se me abre otra vista
y de pronto otra, y otra, y otra...

Hasta que no quiero caminar más
Estoy contento
Me siento, miro, admiro, me asombro
Qué vista...
Qué vista
Nueva
Linda
Simple
Pura

Moab

2009-07-28T01:17:00.000-05:00

Every time I look at this picture I feel a bit of nostalgia for Moab. Yeah, it was just a few days that we were there, but I think I really got attached attached to this place. Jackie planned an amazing trip.

Friday
Got up around 6am after about maybe 3 hours of sleep. It was so hot that evening. I think it finally cooled off around 3am. I think just the whole experience of sleeping on solid rock was a little new for me. We pulled of some bacon and eggs for breakfast pretty easily, actually. It's amazing how inventive and creative you get when you have limited resources. I think we used some newspaper for our hot pads. Yeah, it worked just fine.

Driving into arches was pretty incredible. The rock formations were completely new to me... astounding, really.

Contemplation

2009-07-23T02:30:00.000-05:00

Life, simply said, is joyous...
Triumph and failure
Hope and despair
Smiling and sobbing
Fresh and exhausted

It's amazing how in a day both darkest moments and greatest joys can be experienced. Light can penetrate the darkness that enshrouds us, and it will disperse if we look towards the light.