A little more real...

My faithful readers, whoever you are. Haha.
I've looked back on my blog posts and realized that I'm kind of an intense person.  Okay, maybe not intense, but very serious.  I write about a lot of serious feelings and thoughts.  Just so you know, I'm a dork.  I have a lot of petty feelings, a lot of just normal things that I experience, that are probably worth writing about, but I just choose not to.  Maybe because I don't want you to know the real me, and only want you to see the best part about me.  Who am I trying to impress?  Well, if I was trying to impress someone, my blog wouldn't be the place to do it, because I have zero traffic (No, I'm not trying to get any sympathy on my blog traffic, haha.  But if it works, then great!  Tell your friends.  I've got lots of great things I've written about).

Christmas break is awesome.

I just finished a 1000 piece puzzle with my parents.  They are addicting, aren't they?  If you don't understand what I'm talking about, go buy yourself a big puzzle and start working on it for an hour or so, you'll see what I mean.
Mom and I have enjoyed no school, so we try to watch at least a couple of Robin Hood (BBC) shows a day.  I'm really lovin' the series.  I dare you to watch them and not like them.  I was a skeptic at first, now converted.
I'm trying to get into a nonfiction writeup of Abraham Lincoln's presidency.  It's great getting to know him and understand more of our country's development from that time period.  All the while, I'm dreaming of reading Tolstoy's War and Peace.  I just need to quit this Lincoln stuff and go where my heart wants to go.  Tolstoy is calling... calling...
I started my application process for my CPA exams today.  Hopefully I'll take my first one after I graduate and then finish up the rest of them this summer.  It's all a bit intimidating.  Really.

I am so content.  I stay at home, do my thing.  I have a lot of time to think.  I look out my window and see the  bare trees.  It's kind of drab.  I remember the days when the sun woke up a bit earlier and got me up.  The trees were green.  It was great to go sit outside on the front porch and just soak it in.  It was just me.  I feel like I can't get enough time alone.  Maybe I need a week to just get away from everything and think, to ponder, to pray, to reconnect.  I want to reconnect with myself and with God.  I want to know him better.  I want to know me better.
"What goals do you have for the new year?"
I don't know.  Sure, I want to graduate, I want to pass the CPA exams, learn Beethoven's Sonata Quasi una Fantasia "Moonlite" Op 27 (yada yada), I want to move out on my own and be completely independent from the padres.  Those are good goals.  But those are lifetime goals; not eternal.  They matter, but not really, ya know?  How much of myself, do I know?  What other parts do I want to know?  How can I do that?  Do I know the Savior, really?  Do I trust him?  Do I have faith in him and his gospel?  Who are other people that I need to know?  I bet there are some people out there that I am going to meet that will change my life.  I would like that...  I would like that a lot.
Who can I love more?  Who needs my love?  Who needs a caring heart... a sensitive ear?

How was that at a shot of being a bit more real?  That's maybe a bit more personal than you were expecting, but that's me.

Thanks.

His Birth

Luke 2 has a beautiful passage about the Savior's birth.  I love the declaration that the angel made to the Shepherds about his birth--"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour,which is Christ the Lord."  As I read it, I tried to imagine their reaction before I continued reading.  It made me ponder about the significance of the event.  These shepherds had so much faith.  They believed the angel.  They believed that the baby, the small infant lying in a manger, was their Savior.  They believed that he could perform the most incredible work ever in the history of the world.  I'm not sure that I would have been humble enough to believe the angel, and then to go and seek the child to offer him worship.  

What did this message mean for them?  I really don't know.  What would it have meant for me?  If this were to be the first time hearing about a Savior, would I have comprehended it all?  No.  But, I think I would have gained a hope in his promised power.  

Sometimes there are temptations in life that are too much for me to bare.  Sometimes there are situations that I have no clue what to do, and I don't believe that anyone else knows either.  A lot of times I've felt alone in my problems, alone in my trials, alone in my faith... like nobody understood what I saw, how I felt.  As a simple, carnal, human being, how are we supposed to deal with those things?  Go to sleep, maybe I'll forget about my trials.  Maybe if I go work out, they'll go away.  Maybe if I just give in the struggle will go away everything.

I've tried lots of things.  They are all temporary fixes.  That's sad.  That means life is just something to endure, to try to forget about, to try to put up with, to give control up to.  

This feeling is darkness.  This feeling is sad.  This feeling is hopelessness.  In these times, I have had nowhere to turn, but to my faith in a Being I have never seen.  In those moments of hope and faith, I have found relief.  I have found peace.  I have found strength, courage, a solution, patience... many unique answers and bits of guidance to make it through.  These have shed light in the darkness, when I had given up.

This light is made possible only through the Savior, who started out as an infant--completely mortally dependent on two faithful parents.  He grew to be our Savior as he realized his mission on earth and suffered for my sins, my afflictions, my darkness, my loneliness, my carelessness, my weakness.

God be praised.  Glory to God on high.  I know that my Redeemer lives.  I know he was born to save us and that he continues to fulfill his foreordained mission as Savior of the world, for me on a daily basis as I let him.  How wonderful it is to see the world in celebration and remembrance of his life, the gift of the Father to us his beloved children!  Today is when we recognize the birth of Jesus.  

This is joy.

He is the reason.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

Today I was able to sing in church with a good friend of mine.  We did a duet arrangement of O Come, O Come Emmanuel.  The words are stirring.  I have always loved the melody, but have never really let the words touch my soul, if I can say it like that, only because I never gave them the opportunity.  


As we sang, though, I began to feel the view of heaven rest upon me.  As I looked out into the congregation, I could feel the words being spoken to individuals.  I was singing to individuals that deal with a lot in their lives, and that seek healing, comfort, and peace in their lives.  I felt that God granted me sight into their hearts.  And more than anyone, I felt a greater hope rest within my heart because of the Savior.


This picture is of a figurine we have in our living room as part of a hand-carved nativity set.  I love the set.  I had played around with the camera taking pictures of these figurines and have grown to like this one the most.  I guess I would like to reverence the Savior like this man is depicted.  I would like to approach him more on bended knee, looking to him with greater hope.  He holds something special in his hands--an offering, a gift.  I cannot see the Savior to give him a gift.  If I were to give him something, what would it be?  This thought crossed my mind earlier in the month.  It has been a personal tradition of mine after Thanksgiving to think of a gift that I can give the Savior.  This year I felt a strong feeling to offer a broken, repentant heart, and a contrite spirit.  More than anything, this is what I wanted to give to Him this year.  It's not easy, and it has taken a lot of courage, focus, and faith, but I feel a change starting within me... a deeper conversion trying to occur.  I hope it can!


This piece, O Come O Come Emmanuel, has expressed some of these feelings for me.  It expresses the hope I have in the atonement of the Savior.  In difficult times, in painful times, in frustrating times, he has been there. I don't know how it worked, but I knew he was there and that he was teaching me, consoling me, buoying me up, etc.  I love him.  He is a dear, dear friend of mine.  I hope I can make an acceptable offering, gift to my friend this Christmas season.  

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free

Thine own from Satan's tyranny

From depths of Hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer

Our spirits by Thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,

And open wide our heavenly home;

Make safe the way that leads on high,

And close the path to misery.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,

Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,

In ancient times did'st give the Law,

In cloud, and majesty and awe.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Merry Christmas!  Let us celebrate the birth... the birth of our Savior!

Closing up the Year

    Heading to a meeting for school, I had to fill up on some gas.  All I noticed was that it was cold outside really.  I wasn't looking forward to spending my Friday evening at school.  I decided to bring my camera along with me that evening just in case there was a good moment to catch.  As I was filling up, I looked behind me and saw this beautiful scene right in front of me.  I took out  my little point-and-shoot and caught the moment.

    So, now I'm in the midst of my finals.  I've got two more left to finish.  The semester has flown.  I've had such an incredible learning experience this semester.  I feel like the Lord has opened my mind as I have studied and allowed me to understand the things I'm studying more fully and take them more seriously.  I also feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to educate myself and to understand a bit of the world more completely.  I guess, instead of feeling weighed down by the pressures of the closing semester, I can look around and see the reason for it all...

I hope that as I  finish up the year that maybe I can not just run through the motions of it all, but take a step back and look at the view, express my gratitude for all the Lord has blessed me with.  I think that each day the Lord tries to remind me in some way of all of the blessings that I've been given, even when I can't readily seem them.  Viewing this sunset when I wasn't even looking for it was one of those experiences.  It was marvelous to just sit back for a couple of minutes and soak in the beauty.  It wasn't just another sunset to me. It was a unique moment--a gift--from God; and expression of his love for me... and a reminder to not forget about how much he has blessed me with (even those stressful things in life).

Jesus Christ: Savior of Mankind

Click to view:

Look to the Light

---

Along with these individuals, I can say resolutely that I know that Jesus Christ lives.  He is the Prince of Peace.
When the world has turned upside down, and all seems dark, He is the one that turns it right side up.  He searches us out when we are lost in the depths of our darkest caves; only He with the light and the knowledge of the way out.  He has saved me.  He has given me peace when I never thought I could have it.


As real as I can be, He lives. He is there and responds to our lost, searching heart.  He is the Savior to everyone on this earth.  I feel fortunate to know this.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

I LOVE good novels. I'm having a hard time deciding if For Whom the Bell Tolls is one of them. I finished it the other night and felt so excited, but it seemed like I had to wade through a lot of sewage to get there.

I appreciated so much Hemmingway's historical knowledge and integration of language. It was so funny to read the English dialog that was playfully colored by Spanish grammar and cognates. I learned so new words I never wanted to learn in Spanish, but that was my own fault, I guess.

The book was completely dialog with a simple plot. Hemmingway has a masterful way of expressing the inner mind and its workings, and it's incoherency at times, yet powerful sway.

The development of the title itselt was genius. I felt like I didn't understand it in it's entirety until the very last page, and then it kind of all clicked.

Truly, mankind is a continent, as John Donne wrote it, and not an island in and of himself. What happens to one happens to us all. Is that not an eternal law? And it's amazing how what we send out to others usually returns the same back to us. A smile begets a smile in many instances, kindness for kindness... when received without misperception or distortion, but in its purest intended form.

We truly all are interconnected. This is illustrated best in loving relationships that we share. As we see our loved ones suffer, do we not suffer? Why, then, do we not suffer when others we do not know suffer? Is it not because we do not love them like we should?

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is

a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a

Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse,

as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor

of they friends or of thine owne were; any mans

death diminishes me, because I am in-

volved in Mankinde; And therefore

never send to know for

whom the bells tolls; It

tolls for thee.

John Donne

Such a profound truth

Was it worth the gray? Was the beautiful, hidden, golden yellow amidst the lifeless, and drab things worth the journey through it all?